What the who?

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
EVERY MILLENNIAL NEEDS A CAT

Are you over 30 and didn’t watch Buffy until you had surpassed the age-appropriateness for watching it? Have you only now listened to Beyonce’s Lemonade in it’s entirety? Do you think Hamilton is just some guy from a while ago who did a cool thing I guess and not a very talented singer who I guess [spoiler] gets shot in the end? Is the first Carrie on your to-watch list? WELL I HAVE THE BLOG FOR YOU!

For various reasons some of us have just taken a while to consume modern-day entertainment. Some reasons may include: strict religious upbringing, no access to cable, only one tv in the house so of course you can’t watch 90210 (I HAVE BEEN INFORMED IT’S 90211 BUT I MAY HAVE BEEN LIED TO) it’s way too sexy, annoying parents/siblings looking over your shoulder at your reading material, and don’t want to get yelled at again for listening to rap, and general disinterest. These martyrs of such horrid circumstances can include tv, movies, books, music, and video games.

Now for the price of (wait I’m not getting paid for this??), for the price of your precious time I’ll be reading/playing/watching all the old stuff that you never did. I’ll give it a fresh Millennial look (32 is still a millennial right? Also that’s how old I am right?(I HAVE JUST BEEN INFORMED THAT I AM ACTUALLY 31)). I’m going to focus on things that have entered the zeitgeist but for which I have no reference. Like the Godfather. I’m sure I could repeat lots of lines from it and even know the soundtrack, but I’ve never seen it. Or that one with the guy who’s like “say hello to my little friend” and then he has cocaine on his face or maybe flour.

This will probably include books like Good Omens, something I read in the summer of 2017 then felt guilty about because the forward says something like “if you hand this new book to me to sign it’s probably because you lost it, dropped it in a bath, or someone stole it from you”. It was none of the above even though I spent my entire childhood getting in trouble for reading too much. (This is not implying I had Neil Gaiman sign the book. I’ve been to exactly one book signing and got so excited I didn’t say anything to the author but ended up saying too much to his editor)

For music it feels like delaying listening is an even bigger crime than delaying watching tv or a movie. I just listened to Kesha’s new song ‘Praying’ and I sobbed four times- the amount of times I was able to listen to it before having to clean myself up and pick up my kid from school.

I may or may not talk about Doctor Who here, I don’t know if it counts because a lot of it ended before I was born and it’s been difficult to get the old stuff. But anything on a streaming channel will be fair game. For that is the only way I consume tv and movies (HBO included because they throw that in free when you bundle their cheapest internet with their cheapest tv). Inuyasha, here I come! (wait, it’s not on Netflix anymore? fuck!)

tl;dr: Old lady who lives under a rock will bring her fresh millennial eyes to old media

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AVENGING

BUTT BUDDIES
WILL AVENGE FOR TREATS

I NEV-uh anyway, I never watched the recent Hulk movie, but does it matter if the guy who played Hulk isn’t in this one. I DID however watch the one with Jennifer Connelly.

Tesseract- god I love that kind of stuff- weird sci-fi stuff. ok I watched Captain America and the first and second Iron Man so that’s the extent of what I know of what’s going on. I actually have no idea what’s in this movie. Though I think that Jessica Jones and Daredevil might reference it? As in they fucked up NYC. Oh man what’s the tesseract? Oh that dude from Glass House is so creepy. holy shit I don’t know why this tesseract thing is so exciting. eye heart emojeeees. um lady scientist, the tesseract is a she.

(it’s really nice being able to actually use our sub woofer without worrying about downstairs neighbors)

Oooh it’s Loki. I know he’s Thor’s brother of some kind and he’s bad. One eyed Jackson, did you not see his evil grin? he’s not gonna put down the spear. Oh so does Loki have Whitewalker power?

oh my god Sammy J. can just take the fucking tesseract? Endless energy but you can just fucking touch it? Loki just want everyone to have the same color eye as him. I feel disappointed Hawkeye is using a gun. I expected him to only use arrows or a crossbow. gun is so boring. (I should really start writing these on something besides wordpress, my computer hates this website jesus) Is Samuel Jackson’s superpower being able to aim even though he only has one eye?

wow agent guy doesn’t know what to do in the case of a war? What the hell?? That should be the first part of your training. Secret organization doing secret things and you don’t know what to do if there’s a war?

I want to say they’re speaking Russian but I don’t know for sure. ehehehe Scarlett Johansen, she plays not the scartet witch right, black widow? I think she was in Iron man right? I forgot the hulk is a doctor. I thought he was like an academic doctor not a medicinal doctor.

Ok so Nick Fury is sammy j. ooh shapes in the shadowsssss A council of blue shadooowwwssss. Ok so Captain America last I saw just woke up from being thrown off a train I think?? and he missed his date aww. Christ why is the punching bag so fucking loud. ok the tesseract is a weapon from hydra…so it’s man made but connects to another place in the universe.

Time for the Iron Man wooooo. Avengers Batman!! Oh my god I never want to see him and Pepper fighting ever again I hate them as a couple gaawd. God Phil, way to cockblock. I am curious as to why the avengers thing was scrapped. I loved him and Pepper in the first Iron Man but I hate them now so much. Can his suit go into space? I would go into space all the time if I had a suit like that.

Wait did Bruce banner do the hulk to himself? or was it his dad?

woo Phil god damn with the creepy shit. cockblocking creeper.

Captain America is the tallest Chris (I have no data to back this up.)

Are Loki’s helmet horns actually useful? Can he gouge someone with them? Or like lift logs or something?

Oh my god ok they’re not in a submarine. I want to see a debate on if a submarine or aircraft would be worse to hulk out in. So they’re invisible but how do they mask the sound? hm what was the money thing with captain America- oh yeah the bet that I already forgot happened and what it was about. (Ben says it’s him being surprised by stuff)

Ok so I don’t know about this eye color control thing, just not a fan of them basically keeping their personalities yet completely working against everything they believe in with no kind of fight or well personality change or just fucking anything like that.

Oh no the arrows are really cheesy. but the guns are boring oh no. oh the eye thing did he just scan it or did he fuck up his eye. transdimentional wardrobe changeee!!!! hell yesss. haha him going around blocking the crowd reminds me of trying to get cats to go where you want- especially when giving them medicine.

Is the shield the only weapon captain has? MORE POPULAR MUSIC TO DISTRACT THE ENEMY. GO MARVEL. aw I don’t know why Loki changing his clothes again was disappointing. But hey I haven’t cried yet so…

Aw yay it’s Thor! Last I saw him hahahahahaha hahaha god thor just fucking snagging Loki and fucking off. So last I saw Thor Natalie Portman was trying to repair the rainbow bridge thing. Ok so Loki isn’t Odin’s son but they did grow up together. Oh kind of touching Thor wants him to go home. Out of love or  what? Oh wow why is Iron man so annoying.? Awesome, fighting each other when Loki’s there and they have shit to do. (the justice league would never do thiss…(ok they probably would shutup) I would rather everyone else in the avengers talk shit about them than watch this stupid fight. holy shit that shield is pretty good I guess.

Bruce banner’s like whoo who’s that hot piece as Loki walks by. yay the reference I understand the reference to that reference now. I only like Iron Man when he’s being innovative.

EEeeh Steve being all sneaky, little hypocrite. lord they’re dealing with precise shit and in a movieng vehicle. haha I didn’t recognize the astrophysicist from the Thor movie. Thor Chris is the hairiest of the Chris’s.

oh no she’s giving Loki everything just like the russian man earlier. aaah yay she did it again. I just want to watch a movie of her interrogating people. Ok so the Loki weapon is making them fight?

Jesus Hawkeye needs some sleep. It’s fine they ducked. Ducking always makes things ok in superhero movies.

Ok so Hulk is here on an aircraft no big right. ooh there goes a billion dollar plane. jesus Thor just let him try to pick up the hammer. it’s a good distraction.

ooh a plane that can hover that’s cool. oh you dumbass you got too close to the hulk. ok the arrow thing with the engine was cool. aaand Thor’s trapped.

So much fighting, there’s really not a ton to talk about, this guy did this and this guy hit that. Oh no not agent cockblocker!!

STEAL HIS ARROWS BLACK WIDOW!

oh Loki got away. I mean, I knew he’s alive but still. hm what was agent cockblocker going to say??

christ sammy j way to guilt the captain. oh poor Bruce oh my god the old man he’s in other stuff. “son, you’ve got a condition” I live for silly lines like that.

Yess overcome the whitewalker! oh fucking cop out no  more brainwashing because of a bonk to the head ugh. boring boring boring. less fighting and more talking about tesseract and brain control methods. oh my god Hawkeye like spies can’t be in war. ok is her being compromised mean she’s got the hots for hawkeye.

All Loki’s going to do is change the stark tower to Loki hahah. ‘I just want my own building guys!’

I wonder who voices jarvis. Do you think Pepper would go for Loki? aw his weakness is his strength. No way that suit jetting out of there didn’t at least singe those civilian’s eyebrows.

Loki fighting Thor is just part of his plan to get his name on the tower. Do they have a camera just right up in Robert Downy Jr’s face when he’s in his suit? he can’t just talk, we have to see right up is nose.

OH MY GOD SPACE TURTLE! or whale? SPACE WHALE TURTLE. ah it’s so cool!

Wait why would Loki- oh ok he’s not gonna help Thor ok. Oh is Loki a pod racer? He rebelled by pod racing.

oh my god cop dude you don’t have a plan just fucking listen to captain you a-hole.

I want a figurine of that space whale turtle. I wonder if Bruce ever takes his clothes off before hulking. and really? he still has shorts? He needs clothes that grow with him. The only unbelievable thing about this movie is how hulk still has shorts. He should just let it all hang out like Dr. Manhattan.

I don’t understand the psychology of Hulk. He can sometimes listen to orders? But other times he just destroy anything he sees? Ok he’s always angry but the aircraft was something else? survival mode? He did eventually jump out the aircraft.

FUCK UP THAT WHALE HULK

How are all the new yorkers not in basements by now. ah yay that shield jump was cool. Just a movie of black widow and captain jumping off shields. Hulk can be there but he can never smile again.

oh hey hitting your head does stop the brainwashing. what a shitty brainwashing thing. I hate it.

Why can’t the council just order the strike themselves? Why do they need nick fury?

Yes hulk fuck up the stark tower.

knee jets!

omg Hawkeye running out of arrows makes me so angry. MAKE A PILE OF ARROWS YOU FUCK.

aw he couldn’t stop the jet. too bad batman’s not there. he could stop a nuclear strike. just right up in rdj’s face. god Pepepr really has her phone on silent? At a time like this? oh lord that was neat trick, Stark. ok so Stark ‘s eyes closed so does that mean the suit doesn’t work in space? seems like a flaw. why has he not gone into space every day?

haha I already forgot the bad guys were from outer space. I was like ‘extraterrestrial attack? what?’ I’m the worst at watching movies.

the chick talking to nick fury looks like an android. some kind of metallic shit under her cut.

Loki never did get that building named after him.

oooh no thanos! ok minion guy but Thanos has been lonely for a while and needs a girlfriend. so why not death? Let him court the shit out of her! (he apparently does in the comics!)

It’s alright, I like the chemistry Black Widow and the Captain have with each other, but am not a huge fan of the humor and it wasn’t nearly as touching or emotional as it could have been. HAWKEYE WAS COMPLETE WEAKSAUCE.

 

 

 

IT’S MARVEL TIME

GUARDIANS OF THE THINGS I SEE
GUARDING US FROM SQUIRRELS

(I came back and edited the original a bit)

EVEN…ahem, even those who are extremely pregnant and live under rocks know that there’s some kind of war going on for infinity. So we’re starting at the most obvious place in the Marvel Universe: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY. (That was intended as snark, but hey turns out it’s super relevant lol) I HAVE WATCHED A Thor (while trying to soothe my toddler/infant so not really??), and a Captain America and what I remember is being sad he missed his date.

OHGOD mom’s dying is the worst and their little booys nooo. (Reminds me of A Monster Calls. If you want to cry on an airplane watch this or read the book it works every time.) uh this is the worst. ok we turned it off movie’s over.

There are so many jokes I want to make but can’t because too sad.

I have not seen this movie and only watched a YOUTUBE video of someone who liked the second one. I know there is a racoon man and a tree who has a baby and a hot green lady.

This movie has the fluffiest Chris in Hollywood. Is kicking the sad rat dinosaurs necessary?

omg those jet shoes are not safe! What would your mother say?? Is his name really Sta- oh hahah they don’t know star lord. (my computer cannot handle wordpress fml)

Oooh neat gravity weapon! Oh star boy you should have buckled up, that’s the first thing to do in a space fight silly. Ok so his name is Peter. I had no idea that was his name. I definitely heard it at the beginning of the movie and still forgot. jesus christ. James Cameron’s Avatar people seem to have come a long way (I have not watched that movie yet). I really like Ronan’s voice, but not his actions for sure.

Ok so Thanos in in this one? And two of his daughters. Blue and green. Xandar with the racoon boy and tree man. and oh no the tree man is so cute. Yondu is someone who is star boy’s boss. ahahah he gets pushed around by a tiny man with cool eyebrows.

For some reason I thought they were all in jail at the beginning, not after an awesome hand to hand fight. Is that Glen Close? whaaa I hope she’s here all the time. Gemora. Ok so adopted not blood related to Thanos. Oh man they hate gamora. oohoo that knife made me sad. Wait is Ronan Pushing Daisies pie man? aw fuck you Thanos, saying shit like that in front of your other daughter. Is Thanos cgi or is that a lot of makeup. Blue and red guy could have left whenever he wanted on account of him being a strong boy. Gronx? (that’s his name right?)

Drax is his name, thank goodness for captions. Why aren’t the jail windows bullet proof? oh hell are they on a space station? cool. ah I thought they turned off the gravity? But it’s on again? haha get that damn walkman son. Augh his exposed skin in space stresses me out. Ok the racoon is named Rocket, not pistol.

KILL EACH OTHER ONCE YOU’RE OUTSIDE GOD BLOOD IS HARD TO GET OUT OF MY UPHOLSTRY. (that’s what Star Lord would say if I had any say) ok so does star man jizz all over his ship?? Why are you afraid of a blacklight starman??

Knowhere sounds disgusting. Severed head of who the fuck no thank you not for a trillion dollars. eeeewwww.

Girl is like ‘what the fuck am I gonna do with a flower?’ ooh that space is so pretty! And I guess severed heads have gravity and an atmosphere. JUST ONE OF MANY UNBELIEVABLE PARTS OF THIS MOVIE. The idea of pop culture stuff being legendary is so fascinating to me. Yes, I love Gamora. PELVIC SORCERY! DO NOT LET HIM SWAY YOU WITH IT.

OH NO ROCKET! He’s so sad and angry nooo. Ok so the red skinned lady isn’t the same one who was with star boy? whaaa INFINITY STONES!! shit they do not fuck around. Gamora and star boy not getting killed is like Mr and Mrs Smith not getting hit when in a cardboard box.

Ronan should have stayed at pie hole.

Poor Nebula.

I am impressed by starboy’s piloting skills. Oh hell this is dark. Thanos is like whoa dude what the fuck.

Do you ever think about if the heroes of the movie have slept or eaten yet? Probably like on the way to the Knowhere. ROCKET!!

WHY I- ahem, why is Drax always shirtless? Oh my god Glen Close’s hair is amazing. Ronan’s ship is so cool. It’s like some fiddle toy you’d get on Amazon. Ok so Gamora is betraying both Thanos and Ronan and Nebula is betraying Thanos. haha dick message.

Snooty British aliens are the worst aliens. (according to Ben and he does not see the hilarity in how it relates to Dr. Who) Oh so what the fuck is this about the peace treaty thing but Nova’s just supposed to enforce it on their own without help? Bullshit. Everything in this movie is making me cry. Groot with is fireflies, Rocket with is sad boyness. And Drax! oh green whore- you were almost sweet Drax.

I’d like an arrow I can control with a whistle. Jesus Nova uh I mean Nebula. The Ronan henchman is just a mini boss. Every Marvel movie has a mini boss. Groot with the minion kebab. Oh no British alien.

WHY COULDN’T YOU BE HAPPY MAKING PIES, RONAN?

holy shit Nebula is so badass. Fuck you saving me I’d rather cut off my hand.

GROOT!

The Groot ball reminds me of Saga, a graphic novel everyone should read. nooooooooooo

no fuck fucking ronan god damn it!

oh hey they referenced the movie. the movie title.

POP MUSIC SAVES THE GALAXY

noooo mom reference again!

The referenced the movie again yaay!

For fucks sake yanu er Yandu. OOOOh who’s Peter’s dad whaaaa.

rocket :”’0

I have no idea how to do emojis on wordpress. Oh hi letter time for more crying. aaah he got the star lord name from his mom!! I now feel bad for making fun of it! aaah the family Rocket saved is that police guy’s family aaahh god damn this movie.

Yandu’s just a big softie lol.

Holy shit I love this movie. no I swore I would hate the dancing groot but I love it!

I think this might be one of my favorite super hero movies (certainly favorite in the Marvel Universe so far). It’s underlying message is so touching. About how the family we have isn’t always the best and not having a choice in it is difficult. But that you can start fresh and find new people to call family to rely on and maybe even heal what was broken with your original family. I really did not expect to like it this much.

SPACE MOVIE

SAVE ME SPACEMAN
SAVE ME SPACEMAN!

 

Wow that is a big kitty picture! Anyway, the other day I watched Interstellar and I realized that it’s kind of an older movie-sort of? Not older just funny, people who know me know I’m obsessed with space anything so it taking me this long to watch it is funny. (IT’S FUNNY GODDAMMIT!)

What I knew about Interstellar before watching it: SPACE MOVIE, Anne Hathaway and Matthew McCounaughey (shit it looks wrong no matter how you spell it) go into space. People complain about it on Reddit because it’s not believable? I think? I try to skip over spoilers. Just like any space movie it’s going to be scary because space is terrifying and amazing and now I’m thinking of how little protection fighters in Star Wars wear when flying around in space and ohgodwhy. I tried to go into it with as little knowledge as possible.

I’d like to file a formal complaint to Amazon Video for their shit sound. They have a ‘night viewing’ mode that lulls you into a false sense of hope that things won’t get too loud or quiet during the movie. I just doesn’t work with Matthew McMumblehae. Like, wow I’m sure that was a touching anecdote about your wife but I have no idea what you’re saying because the music just before that was loud as fuck.

Is post-post-pre-apocolyptic a thing? Because this is like “the world has moved on” (post-post-apocolyptic) and maybe-ish getting better but wait no it’s actually going to get bad again. I was skeptical about the beginning, wondering if it was wildly different than what I thought it would be. Didn’t expect a ‘farmboy turned savior/scientist/whatever’ trope. (which was nice to see it wasn’t) I absolutely raged about the teacher saying the moon landing was propaganda. (I once yelled at group of school children at the planetarium that no, that light you see isn’t Pluto! You can’t see Pluto with your naked eye! Also it’s not a planet!) Luckily no one heard me or paid attention.

The kids’ reactions to their dad leaving didn’t make sense to me, but I think it was another trope expectation. I expected the smart space girl to be all for her dad going into space and the dutiful son to react negatively.  It was super fun seeing how they imagined a worm hole (sphere) to look! I liked the cinematic effects and how fun it was to watch and experience. It’s always interesting to see how people depict stuff like that.

I would probably cry the second time watching this after knowing they couldn’t go back in time to make up for the wave-planet fiasco but I was a naive lass then. Full of hope. And then rage. Fucking ice clouds on Matt Damon’s planet. I sometimes don’t talk during movies and usually don’t yell but I couldn’t help a “HE LIED TO GET THEM THERE!!” I like to say that I’d never do something like that, but I’d never go to space because of those cryosleep whatever water hells. “Yes NASA I’ll take one Space, just make sure there’s lots of room and also close the blinds I’m getting vertigo. What do you mean I can’t bring my Xanax?”

Because I did get spoiled a little and there was so much hullabaloo about the black hole I assumed one or all of them went into it and sent the messages back in time. I scoffed at them not depicting spaghettification but after reading that page I see now that a black hole as big as what he and snarky robot fell into wouldn’t do that at the event horizon like I expected.

The depiction of him entering the black hole was fun, though I was a little stuck wondering why a space craft would have an ejection seat (turns out some space shuttles had them). I guess the five-dimensional beings didn’t like his ride. Too bad they didn’t also do something about spunky robot sidekick. I want my robots to either be neurotic anxiety riddled things, or weird metal dogs.

I’m not sure if him sending messages to the past is the same as a causal loop (aka bootstrap paradox) but maybe? I think his messages would count. Is there something for ‘if you don’t become five-dimensional beings and save your ancestors you’ll never exist’? Also, can I please have a five-dimensional library? I’d love to have a ‘Belle room’ and not be shitty about it if I actually got one.

It’s funny how handwavy this movie is about family relationships. It was neat to see him see his daughter again but then she’s like ‘alright, you can fuck off’ and he’s like ‘yeah ok’ without meeting any of his grand/great/great whatever kids. And we’ll just pretend his son didn’t exist.

Hey guess what? SPACE STATIONS DON’T NEED A NIGHT MODE WHY THE HELL WAS HE ABLE TO JUST STEAL A SPACECRAFT. Why don’t they have a crew monitoring stuff 24/7? I remember yelling that at my husband and then ranting about gravity and how it’s so weak but we still don’t know how to harness it and then demonstrated by throwing my Pusheen pillow and letting it drop onto my face. At this point it was past 1 am so who knows what else happened. Who knows. Just like the ending. We’ll never know and Nolan likes it that way. I mean, of course he meets up again with Anne Hathaway and they colonize and all that shit. But really, who knows.

 

BLADE RUNNER

To represent all the creepy robo makeouts

What I know about Blade Runner: nothing. Only that Harrison Ford punched Ryan Gosling while filming the new one because “his face was in the wrong place” while filming a fight scene. I’ll look up the interview if you ask nicely. Beyond that I’ve seen it mentioned in Reddit threads as “a good movie” and “such a good series”. Why Inception isn’t also in every comments for each “What’s the best movie of all time???” thread I’ll never know.

Did you know that you can just search for a movie/tv show on Roku and it will give you a list of where you can watch it?? You have to be able to enter in the words fast enough that your partner in crime doesn’t take the remote out of your hands in annoyance. I usually fail. (not always on purpose)

Oh god there are eight different ones! But why and who decided this? (apparently the director) Also, is it ok to blame the babysitter for your shitty remote dying? Alright! Blade Runner: The Final Cut! Amazon, honey, no one wants HD for anything pre-2010. Stop trying to get me to pay $1 more for it.

Ooh a robot thing! I feel like I should know more stuff made by Ridley Scott. oh no, 2019 it’s coming soon. So they probably have worse pollution as us but at least they have flying cars? Oh my god I love the music hahaha. Aw yeah, South American pyramids. Shit, I forgot why the were called replicants already (and at this point I’m too afraid to ask). Haha smoking indoors, what a quaint practice from a bygone era. I love near future shit. tyrell, those damn tyrells.So, onto the weird questions. I mean the man being questioned has a point about the desert thing, depending on what desert it could mean different outcomes. Wow ok he does not want to talk about his mother. (also: I would rather kill than discuss my mother) Oh god I want ramen now. I don’t care if Harrison’s not eating ramen I still want it. What language are they speaking? 80’s people sure had some ideas about nosy rich people not banning high buildings so they cold look at the dying grassy hills.

Holy shit the cigarette smoke is insane, like a damn fog machine. On to the robot talk: Neuxus 6  lol “talk about beauty and the beast: she’s both” Some cheesy lines in this movie. (Coca Cola won the cola wars of 2018. Pepsi is now illegal and has been assigned to the off world colonies.” Like seriously those fucking buildings will never be built. too many old people complaining about “the view”- not to be confused with the…talk show.

Aw artificial owls. lol I want a business building with pseudo-Egyptian imagery. Oh so the replicants are illegal except for the rich dude? So nothing’s changed in the future, got it.  Coke must have paid a fortune to be the only advertiser on that building.

Shit, should I be keeping track of all the origami shit?

“Police-men?” White haired dude really needs to be better at acting like a human if he wants to make it on earth.

No what are they going to do to the nice Asian man?? eeew eyes!  I keep thinking about how he did such a good job in the fifth element and just realized it’s not the same person. But like still- Bruce Willis is kind of like Harrison Ford right? His apartment is marginally nicer. Really don’t get how he knows all her memories-ahh spiders. Omg we had a spider living in our house and she had babies and they hatched and I was on the top bunk and the spiders were all over the ceiling.

Is that baby Dolly Parton?? Oh nope. The beauty and beast lady? Oh god she’s gonna rip this ol guy’s head off. I feel like I should know the name Sebastion. Like some old Asian man was tortured to give the informati-oh. I also feel like I know this new old dude. True Blood? hahah yess evil cat sound effects. Is this lady actually a cat? What- ooh he literally makes friends. I was like ‘oh neat, he’s a social dude!’ oh god no. fuck. She was planning a murder but she might be the murdered one.

Bruce you are terrible at this. (piano playing) I mean Harrison. No one wants to listen to this. By the way, that horse is just pissed it has a horn on its head. Oh god is he a replicant? Probably not. He has a blank look less frequently than the replicants. HELLO 80’S VOICE COMMAND SHIT IS NOT ACTUALLY VERY GREAT. Oh no it’s a dude arm in the picture! The voice command tech is fantastic in 2019, siri would not understand this mumbling shit. Also, a goddamn joystick would be better than voice commands. “wait a minute” *computer explodes*.  Oh my god their polaroids are awful.  just look at the damn screen.

(More Chinese! more Chineese!!!) Is that a replica hawk? Do they eat real food? Are all the animals dead? What is he looking for? But seriously why is this all Chinese stuff and literally everyone is Chinese but the all the main people are white. I want a snake. haha I remember the girls who would sit in like these windows in Taiwan. hot ladies.

Wow, snake buyer no need for the sarcasm. Harry’s just trying to do his job. oh Rachel is pised at him. Who is Taffy Lewis?? The snake buyer? The establishment? What is going on in this movie? I can’t even write anything sarcastic down because I can’t comprehend anything. oh my god I love Harrison Ford as a sleazy journalist. I want to see an entire movie about it. Also I still want a snake. omg I want a snake and whoever does her gem makeup stuff. And that fancy hair dryer. ok so no animals are real. ooh Harry’s getting fucked up by a snake lady. omg her outfit is amazing. boots, a bra,panties and a clear raincoat. Girl should at least get some flats for running in this weather. Don’t hold your gun like that jackass! Or whatever that is. heheh just saw an Atari sign. Seriously what is he doing with that gun? jesus. great dumbass, go you shoting the glass, you just made it easier for her to run through the it-ooh whaat the fuck.  Do replicas bleed?  *batman voice* “do you bleed?” (the bad batman) oh my god Harrison did you kill a real lady?? I seriously can’t tell by his expression.

What that police origami guy has blue eyes? Has he always had blue eyes? What is going on? The Rachel robot lady- is he supposed to kill her too? haha that guy really did not like the mom question. wooow Rachel the murder lady. Killing her own kind. Rachel that hair is only ok for drag queens and lady gaga. oh my god what is going on “I am the business”. Ok Rachel sure thing. So I am reasonably sure he killed a replica back there. I could not tell by everyone’s expressions. Oh my god Rachel is gonna kill him. no he wouldn’t hunt you down because he’s gonna kill you right now-oh he’s really not gonna go after her. But nobody’s as good as you harry so it doesn’t matter if anyone goes after her. Woo Rachel with the hard questions! “you ever take that test yourself?” NO HE HAS PICTURES SO IT’S FIN-OH WAIT A MINUTE! (all the robots have tons of pictures) Oh my god Rachel leave  no one wants to hear you play the piano.

This is the worst- no one’s hair looks that amazing, girl it was straight and now it’s all curly, no. I hate this music, I hate her hair and I swear if they bang I will be angry. Ok so are her memories from someone else? Harry, she hasn’t gotten to the desire part of robot memories. oh fuck what the hell man. Let her leave jesus. This is the worst love scene ever. You look like death, Harrison. That’s why she won’t make out with you. Clean yourself up first. uuuuggggh

haha ricola- I just got that was the other advertisement.

Lady, just because you’re a replica doesn’t mean you should put toy paint on your face. or maybe you can. I have no idea. fuuck what is going on with this toy dude. Noo who is that dude with the long nose. fuck. lol That toy man is not 25. Oh good everyone in this room is terrible and creepy. We’ve got old man toy maker, creepy chick, and white haired robot boy.  hahah ew robot kissing. I think they started biting each others noses. That’s not how you do it. Wow toy man way to be a robo cock block. This toy place needs to be burned down. With everyone inside. Nice, toy man has the hots for both of them. “there’s some of me in you!” Haha, even the white haired guy was cheeped out by that.

Back to the Mayan temple! hehe I almost want the nightgown rich guy has, and I so need his robe. It looks like it’s made out of a blanket. Why does he use candles? Fire hazard alert and also you’re richer than god. “I want more life, father”. Yay more cheesy lines.  No white haired man don’t-oh well ok-oh yeah don’t. Gross. I was so hoping this would be another make out scene with robots instead of more gross eye stuff and killing. Toy dude somehow didn’t see this coming.

I guess getting a part ripped off your car makes it still drive-able? The future is awesome. Seems like Ricola and Coca Cola were the only sponsors they could get. So blade runners are people who kill replicants? I really don’t understand this movie. Harrison, now that you’re in the toy building trust me, just burn the place down. Shit, he has terrible luck with ladies. Her thighs aren’t thicc enough to kill a man. Definitely a design flaw. The whole flailing while dying thing too. Terrible design. Also why do they need to bleed? hahah spooky cat sound again.

OOOh shit the white haired guy is back! oh god please no necro make outs. I don’t care if she’s a robot. ugh gross broken fingers. Whaat is happening? Ok so we’ve got wolf howling, flies buzzing, cats meowing, and water everywhere. Neat. Also weird make outs. Wow this building is in terrible shape. They really need to repair it. Are those pigeons real? Are they the only animal to survive?

Harrison you could at least answer his questions. Robot man is just trying to learn.

oooh rooftop fight. Where’s Rachel when you need her? *batman voice*  WHERE’S RACHEL?? Aw Robot dude really believes in being sportsmanlike. Harrison cannot comprehend robo compassion. Or whatever this is. The dove was a nice touch.

ooh they know he let Rachel go. Or is she still in his apartment? God dammit. haha Yeah she totally stayed after you made her kiss you. Oh she didn’t leave, but only because she died. She was totally on her way out though. Oh damn it. She did stay and is leaving with him. Of course. oooh origami. shiiit.

(It’s over. It was a movie. Didn’t much care for the movie. kind of ridiculous movie. this was a pretty dull movie.)

Had to finish writing this the next day because I almost fell asleep due to being exhausted hahah millennial mom stuff amirite???? I don’t remember anyone’s name (besides Rachel) and I don’t know what it was about and yet I kind of want to see the new one. Oh and I guess it isn’t a series? I am bad at this. Some of the stuff in parenthesis is commentary by Ben.

BREAKING NEWS: Ben just connected everything. Ole Harry dreams about a unicorn, origami guy makes a unicorn. HARRISON FORD IS A REPLICANT. It’s been solved. You’re welcome.

 

 

I Saw What You Did Last Summer

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ALRIGHT SO I’VE BEEN INFORMED IT’S I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. My reasons for not watching this movie are because I was too mormon young to see it when it came out. It is rated R after all. I was probably 11. Did other kid’s parents care about that? Who knows because I’m pretty sure none of my friends got to see it either. What I know about it without reading Wikipedia: It has  Drew Barrymore and Jennifer Love Hewitt and two boys who look the same. They all killed someone and someone else knows it and he(she?) keeps calling them about it. It is very scary, this was the 90’s after all and phone calls were nothing to mess around with. They often came from inside the house WHILE BABYSITTING.

Wow so just by my Amazon rent movie page picture I see Drew Barrymore is not in this. I also could swear she was in a movie back then with similarly lit teens who also looked to the far distance. Scream? I now recognize the rich guy from Cruel Intentions who gets with jesus Reese Witherspoon. (I watched that three months ago for the kissing scene) I know Freddie Prinz Jr. because I watched that one he’s in where the girl transforms into a hot chick by taking off her glasses. Wasn’t a fan because the elf dude from The Santa Clause got a dick drawn on his face. I had flawless logic back then.

(I’m being gently reminded to not rent in HD because 90’s movie)

Did not know Sarah Michelle Geller was in this. spooky rendition of summer breeze- rock and roll bitch. (he’s wondering if the whole movie is the California coast.) omg is he drinking on a cliff?? for gods sake be careful! lol the 90’s “don’t be sexist!” wink wink (not that now is much better) huh, Buffy is that dude’s gf, id have thought it was Freddie (bc of the boob joke). Is that a Big Bang guy? uuugh which guy is worse- aggressive jock or creepy ‘friendzoned’ boy? I hate all of them. (oh god they’re telling a story that was in The Husband Stitch go read it). hehe how many times have Buffy and JT lookalike made out? hmm I want a bonfire by the beach. hmmm hook as a phallic symbol?? ooh they had laptops in the 90’s? ok so boston and ny aren’t that far are they?? god quit whining.

He’s asking if she’s sure about sex because he doesn’t want her to get sand in her vagina. (I’m being told that this is bad and the music is bad). oh I love California- WEAR YOUR SEATBELTS KIDS JESUS! You tell him buffy!! JLH is only upset because that boot is fucking ugly. Wow way to victim blame, Barry!  What the hell is he doing out here, what the hell were you doing Barry.? uuugh listen to the teenage girls!  Why have I never seen fake Justin Timberlake in recent shit. omg seriously like he didn’t see them carrying the body. ugh. haha Max’s poncho I think I used to have one. omg I hate Max. and so does Julie, leave her alone. omg what she’s worried about the crown whaaat. Not that they shoved an alive guy in the water fucking hell

BUT I SAVED THE CROWN!

Fuck off Freddie, Julie’s gonna break up with you.

ok so the not dead guy is the one who knows what happened. I SOLVED IT.

I refuse to believe this movie is set anywhere but the CA coast. aaah Julie’s hat, so floppy. ok Mom’s welcome home like what she never went home? (ok guess not) HAHAH are you on drugs?? omg omg omg. Ok is her rough year because big fish small pond does not equal success in college or because she aided and abetted a murder of the not dead guy? HAHA YOUR GRADES WON’T MATTER IF THE NOT DEAD GUY GETS YOU JULIE. I love her chunky socks, socks I was too young to wear and also I avoided socks as though my life depended on it. uuugh where is the setting??? god damn it! lol Buffy’s older sister. omg why is she so mean to her sister’s friend??? uh how did he know what you did last summer? The not dead guy is not dead! jesus. Wait which one is Barry? oh right. ugh ok this is possibly the east coast. I hate this beautiful country. Wow a run over joke jesus dude. oh and Buffy looks fine you jackass. haha yes blame it on friendzone boy. uh oh what’s Max gonna doo?? Is JT reject wearing Oakley’s? I’d always wanted a pair.

I don’t know how i feel about overalls, but if anyone can wear them it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt. Max is ANGRY. Glaring the shit out of those lobsters. Why are you putting cooked lobsters into a cooker you motherfucker? oh no…max so sad…

I’m surprised JT reject doesn’t have a punching bag in his house. What’s the point of being rich if you don’t have a punching bag in your house? lol dog tags, those were IN back then. hahah Barry’s car. ok but noo you can’t out run a  car dumbass go into a building wtf. ok I was gonna make a ‘your jacket got stolen but at least you’re not dead’ joke’ but maybe he’s soon to be that way. oh ew I just realized: was that guy spying on the kids the whole time?? Is that why he’s got the metal hook? Fucking creep. ugh it’s Barry in the hospital, I was hoping Max made it. God I hate Barry so much I wished Max was alive. oh finally JT reject admits they murdered him. Yeah fuck off ray. (I’m going to comment every time one of the girls tells of the guys) hehe 90’s internet. what are the sticks? What does that mean? lol Buffy you are a terrible navigator. And what is with that hand drawn map jesus christ

lol I want everything julie’s wearing. All white and covered head to toe. In the heat. Of wherever the fuck they are. lol fake names. uuuugh god damn it I jumped fuck you. god damn coats on hangers. GOD JULIE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! (currently being sung a song about misdirection) GOD JULIE GET OVER IT!

Wow Buffy dad way to be a jackass. omg is Buffy dad gonna die? It would make as much sense as killing max did. ugh not dead guy is such a creep, also were men’s silk shirts bedwear sleepwear back then??? And also where-oh there’s the bitchy sister. omg sister you WISH YOU HAD BUFFY’S HAIR WHY DON’T YOU MOVE OUT YOU JERK. ok I love her bedroom- whaaa did claw guy sleep in her room?? fucks sake. ok so he cut her hair off, I thought it was falling out. And it’s not that bad Buffy!

Alright yes Julie you have beautiful brown eyes but please watch the road. oh they’re in North Carolina. oooh whaaaa Max and the crabs are gone. omg this is the worst. yeah fuck you barry where’s your jacket?? lol I hate barry so much. uuugh I hate Barry. I want Buffy’s hat and also her brashirt. GOD HELEN GET OVER IT. Come on Ray what’s it gonna be??

I was in a parade once. It was hot and embarrassing. Why the fuck is Barry on the float? No one wants to see his bloody ass face with the other girls. aaww he tackled an old man. god I hate Barry

Awesome, freddy backed out. jerk. Come on Julie, you should know Missy never answers the front door. I love how they make this giant ass house to be like THE WORST but I’d kill to live in a place like that.  god Julie you’re interrupting Missy’s slaughter.

OH GOD PEOPLE WEARING FISHING GEAR IN A FISHING TOWN. Though seriously isn’t it hot?? ugh that guy on the roof is such a creep.

aw sad- not dead guy backstory. I love all these – wahaahaaaa THE NOTE HAD THE SAME HANDWRITING!! (it’s been pointed out that they’re outside when Missy tells her to get our of her house)

omg remember on Dawson’s Creek (a show I watched four years ago) when first Batman Rachel sang for the talent show?? lol what noooo this chick is forty oh god it’s as bad as Dawson’s Creek chick no it’s worse nooo. hahaha GET HIM NOT DEAD GUY. hahah what the fuck does no one hear any of this shit? Like they don’t her Barry getting clawed? oh come on officer man you know who Barry is. There is exactly one rich family in this town and it’s him goddamn it. oh poor pageant crown guy, having to deal with hysterical women. ugh officer guy is a jackass. ‘hyuk hyuk where’s all your hair?’ no don’t take the ally!! god I hate everyone in this movie. aw yeah strappy chunky heels. The best kind when your feet never grow into heel size but you still need to be classy for the dance but there’s still an inch of shoe going past your heel.

oh nooo he already got in the store!! I mean sure it’d be sad if her sister died but everyone’s so damn unlikable-ugh really you’re not going to run? jesus. lol love that the dress happened to rip in the most sexy place it could. I hope not dead guy covered- oh yeah he did- plastic. But he did not suffocate as I was hoping. he’s getting on my nerves. lol dude just took the stairs- sorry Buffy you could have done that instead of painstakingly pulling yourself up to the attic. ok the slit could have been there before but who knows bc i’m not spending three dollars to watch it again. HE’S IN THE TIRES!! god his boots are ugly as fuck. aw Buffy

Yesss I knew he was not dead! What the fuck Freddie- hahah I knew it was Freeddie- at least I knew he was the one who hooked up with Missy. ok but I don’t know who the real not dead guy is lol. oh my god those boots. Wow dude took a picture of that day’s parade and sprung for 1 hour photo!! Pretty high riding for the 90’s. Oh sure man just bring the murder thing up, you are terrible at conversation.

Just jump out of the boat Julie, like you’ve never swam at night. lol your Yamaha shit boat will totally outrun the one with two engines, Freddie. Maybe it will, I don’t know- I’ve only ever been on a ski type boat and only went out on lakes. lol are Freddie and not dead guy sword fighting?? oh yeah distract him that’s just fucking great, Julie. Why did she move the bucket barrel thing. omg I don’t believe they’re in wide enough water to not run into anything. No Julie the crystal things won’t help you.  God you’re getting that ice filthy. Way to fuck with someone’s livelihood. ahahah her friends are all dead. I’m a terrible person, let’s just get that out of the way. I played Divinity with my husband and definitely may have asked when we could start killing all the villagers. He said I had to wait until we leveled up more. There may have been some eye-rolling and side-eying. All of the eye things. lol Now he’ll really have a hook for a hand! oh jesus Freddie never lie about your sexual partners goodness. I mean I get having to seduce your way into finding out the truth but at least let her know about it.

Wow Julie moved on I guess. WAA IT’S THE SAME HANDWRITING!!-oh false alarm. Ok so is she in New York to be an actress and fulfill her friend’s dream or?? What a ridiculous set up- way too much steam in the shower room. God’s sake get a fan in there. ugh claw man is such a perv. (he’s been upgraded from not dead guy to claw man)

It was a bad movie. It was a dumb and stupid movie.